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You are watching: What to do when someone hangs up on you


I had actually a bitch the a girlfriend whose "arguing style" included a many annoying trait. When she was unable to take care of hearing an alternative suggest of watch on something, she would easily escalate come a rage-state and also eventually simply hang increase the phone call (or abruptly, there is no warning, log turn off of chat). This to be such a frequent behavior, even in situations of reasonably minor disagreements, the it gained me thinking about what can be behind it.Mind you, I"m no psychologist. However I think I have actually it figured out.Consider the results of a hang-up for the hanger-upper. The plot of hanging increase is a control act. The hanger-upper asserts immediate regulate over the conversation and the other person. This is important. Her partner may not admit to being a regulate freak. But this is a telltale clue.Another important advantage for the hanger-upper is that disconnecting automatically, instantaneously, clears a painful an unfavorable stimulus. Indigenous an operant conditioning point of view, this is a self-reinforcing behavior.So it"s a double-whammy because that the hanger-upper. By hanging up, she achieves a emotion of power while concurrently eliminating a painful negative stimulus. What can be better?But what around the hanger-uppee? What room the aftermath for the human being who"s being hung up on?Well that course, an initial of every you feel prefer you"ve been distanced. It"s an horrible silence ~ above the other end of the line.But greatly it"s a feeling of abandonment. It"s certainly an action of abandonment by the human who hangs up.What space the emotions feel by someone that is abandoned by a loved one?Powerlessness: You are unable, also in theory, to continue the conversation v the other person. You have no control at all over your situation. You"ve been robbed of any type of power, any type of influence.Hopelessness: There"s no hope of win the dispute or bringing the other human being back. They"ve currently left.Loneliness: You have actually gone native a two-person communication to one person. You"re by yourself.In short, her partner has punished friend by making friend impotent -- powerless. At the same time, she (or he) has reclaimed power and also obtained a strong (if short-lived) "high" native the action of hanging up. At the really moment that disconnecting, the hanger-upper feel a rush, a hugely satisfying feeling of empowerment. This satisfaction is really short-lived, though, prefer the buzz from your first morning cigaret. In fact, if the human being in inquiry has any type of kind the conscience at all, it"s followed some time later on (maybe minute or hours, but more likely days) by feelings of guilt. The human being will come to you the next day and shot to do up. She will try to describe her behavior as one "overreaction" or an impulse, or unintentional, or a temporary lapse of judgment. It to be none of those things. In fact, when you hear that sort of explanation, you are not hearing an apology (or even an explanation), yet an excuse. It way "I recognize what ns did was wrong, yet it felt an excellent at the time and I"ll do it again in the future."I dug deeper right into my girl"s background, and also here"s what i found.At a formative period (adolescent), she father left her mother. The dad now days one of the daughter"s former high school teachers. Father and daughter periodically talk ~ above the phone, however daughter currently hates father (even today, at age 32), and also she typically ends phone call conversations by hanging increase on she father.My (ex)girlfriend loves her mom, defends her together a saint. She no her dad, castigates him together a selfish, cruel person.It all renders sense now. Once her dad left she mother, mine girlfriend"s dad to be engaging in an plot of abandonment -- a form of hanging up. Mine girlfriend to be young at the time and keenly felt the feeling of powerlessness implemented on her and her mother. They were powerless to carry the man back. Powerless even to plead for reconsideration. Powerless in the most an essential sense that not having the capacity (even in theory) to it is in heard.My girlfriend learned from this experience, at an early age, the the way to gain power end a male -- and also punish him for his insolence and also disrespect for you (because after ~ all, as soon as you feeling powerless and disrespected, you look for power and also respect constantly, you do a fetish out of it) -- is to hang up ~ above him. Abandon him. The way you were abandoned.I feel sorry because that someone choose that. They"re truly damaged goods. And they"re going come go v life imposing their very own psychological damages on others.I feel pity. Yet not forgiveness. Civilization who cave up ~ above me can deserve every the pity in the world, yet you understand what? crude assholes can go fvck themselves, ns don"t care how good a blowjob castle give.
Posted byJonathan Bigg Hartat8:59 AM
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98 comments:

MarkSeptember 1, 2009 in ~ 10:10 AM

Just need a change of perspective. Something ns was told as soon as I was young that constantly made this much much easier for me - The human being who hangs up has actually lost the argument. It's favor making a personal insult when you can't success the debate.A couple exes that mine would hang-up if it was over-the-phone and if in-person would certainly blurt an abrupt "Stop, you're making my mind hurt!" The tantamount to covering her ears and singing.Bad indicators if you're an analysis type. It means your debates will never finish in reason, uneven it's the other person's reasoning.

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AnonymousSeptember 1, 2009 at 11:02 AM

Emotional conversations are about just that: emotion, not logic. If friend were arguing while she to be expressing, climate you weren't listening, you were attacking her so she took a drastic measure to make the stop.Just a guess. Girlfriend sound like an ass to me though.

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AnonymousSeptember 1, 2009 in ~ 2:16 PM

Speaking as a mrs who has done this, I'm sorry however I'm walk to need to agree v the three comments over me.Men argue v logical (most, yet certainly no all lol) and also women argue through emotion (most, no all). A many times women desire an emotional outlet and who much better to discover that in 보다 someone they care for? even if it is it it is in a friend, family member, or a boyfriend/fiance/husband/lover...I've hung up on a man I'm talk to due to the fact that he merely wasn't listening come me. I wasn't trying to it is in an ass (though I'm certain I was) yet I ultimately pleaded to drop the conversation and it didn't stop! So i would authorize off or hang out (or flourish silent). If I'm venting ns don't desire the logistics the what I'm doing... Frequently times emotions are NOT logical in ~ all, therefore why would you try to tell me this? while hanging up may be an insult to you, telling me I'm wrong because that the means I've assumed or reaction to something the I've obviously get an impression passionate around it a slap to the challenge as well.I'm no saying you're dorn on everything in this blog, some of it deserve to be view as quite on par... These females sound choose they have been hurt and are damaged goods. That space they are simply immature and not ready for any type of relationship. Take it it for what it is and also leave it behind you.

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AnonymousSeptember 1, 2009 at 7:04 PM

I disagree with my anonymous brethren above. Castle would have us believe that damage is only a one-way street, wherein the "logical" are expected to make allowances for the "emotional." for this reason what if your partner is being as well logical over any given issue? Both parties have to make the painful an option to weaken and try to see points from every others' perspectives. Hanging increase *is* just a childish power play and shows an inability to compromise.

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Jonathan Bigg HartSeptember 2, 2009 at 10:14 AM

Many many thanks to the lady who commented (and anyone else also), yet you understand what? Anyone that is so rude regarding hang increase on an additional person should go f*ck themselves. I don't treatment what their excuse is. Why space you defending that behavior? WTF walk "emotion" vs. "logic" have to do with an excellent manners? room you kidding me?

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AnonymousMarch 23, 2013 at 4:18 PM

In my opinion, healthy and balanced adults have actually no manage or power over another adult that is capable of make their own decisions. Healthy, tires adults have actually control/power over themselves via free will. And any adult that abruptly hangs up a phone has actually temporarily lost manage of themselves. The habits is nice par because that the course v children and adolescents. Ideally, agree social communication skills are master by the moment we with adulthood. You can stop taking calls completely or gently, however firmly, repeat others that manners along with calm, clear interaction is main to understanding and also that nothing is obtained by simply hanging up. Everyone benefits indigenous this - children, teens and adult alike.

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jazzybJanuary 14, 2014 in ~ 3:47 PM

my child's dad hangs up on me and also threatens to leave after every f'kn disagreement/debate/ argument. My very own father hasn't been in my life because that over 13 years and yes it deserve to make you feel somewhat abandoned however it doesn't need to be the baggage you bring into her relationships. If you had respect for her spouse and also truly loved them you wouldn't it is in so complete of despite the to act them together if they don't issue .If you desire to act immature and also selfish that's precisely what will occur your walking to end up alone. No one deserves to be treated that way in a relationship. Ive put up with soooo much drama and also b.s and I still listen to what he has actually too say .Theres no reason excuse come act hat way..Usually just cheaters and or liars law in a defensive negative rude way ...if the spouse is disrespectfull. Allow them take the shit come someone much less deserving of a respectfull union. Who desire a get an impression ass human being to act like a child throwing a tantrum....one foot in the door and also another foot in their ass.....

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UnknownJanuary 22, 2014 in ~ 7:33 PM

Hanging increase on someone is a choice.How YOU manage it is what's important. Follow her gut and also stand your ground. The first time. Consistency is key.

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AnonymousFebruary 10, 2014 in ~ 12:26 PM

Perhaps she gained so upset v what you were saying, the the choice of hanging up was much an ext appealing to her than saying something equally vile come you. Also I have tried to finish an argument, through comments the this is going no where lets take a break and continue this conversation once we room both calm, and also have the other human being not let go of it, save railing or shouting his opinion at me. Come me this was linguistic abuse, ignoring my requests to calm things down or to change the subject. So i hung up, usually regretting it nearly instantly and also calling ago but yes. Occasionally things need a reboot so come speak. Perhaps human being need to take a look at how they argue, are you just flinging a string of abusive insults the the other person is compelled to hear to since of some social obligation to no hang up the phone? room you listening to her? or is it simply a one face slam fest. You can't intend a person to listen to girlfriend abuse lock verbally, not providing them a chance to defend or interject. The only option periodically is to end the conversation. If a person is irrationally screaming at me and won't calm down no matter what I try to perform or say, I will leave the room and let them gain back some sort of regulate over themselves. Linguistic abuse is almost as bad as physics abuse. What you room saying is akin to telling an abused woman "Oh therefore he broke your nose well just stand there till he's done v the rest of her face! Don't you know its no polite to leave a room while one more person is beating on you?"

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AnonymousNovember 25, 2014 in ~ 1:40 PM

And P.S. I fully disagree v these comments about it gift a slam fest. Sometimes we space talking with our feelings and the other human being is yelling insults and also hanging up. Hanging up and also cutting someone off is the most vicious type of abuse and also no one have to justify it.

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AnonymousJune 24, 2016 in ~ 2:18 PM

This short article is so way off, human being don't cave up on someone to gain control over someone, it's usually done to end an debate that's gaining nowhere or insults room being hauled. Girlfriend (the writer the this article) come throughout as condescending and critical; u in reality posted about ur ex past history as if that defines why she hung increase on u yet just from analysis this article and the answer u gave around people the don't agree deserve to "go f*ck themselves," I'm pretty certain she hung increase on you due to the fact that she got tired of listening come the insults and disrespect indigenous you. Because it seems choose you can't expropriate that human being will disagree with you without you insulting and becoming disrespectful to them.

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UnknownJanuary 5, 2017 in ~ 11:58 AM

I to to be a victim of the proverbial hanger upper and though i agree it reasons a feeling of abandonment in me which operation deep together I was abused before I have involved a conclusion the my role in the connection is to be a helper and a healer. I believe true love and companionship needs this view as any kind of other would be selfish. People, especially those us love worthy compassion though we may label them at times together damaged goods. I agree that hanging up is a control mechanism based in protectionism. That is selfish in nature, it is malicious designed to reason hurt in the target and worse yet they have no remorse for how you feel. Most would speak walk far you perform not deserve the treatment once in truth it's no that friend don't worthy it the fact is you need to handle it and also handle that correctly. I have come to understand mine hanger top was abused and abandoned as a child together with being in other abusive cases she had actually no regulate over. Is she so called damaged goods? Yes. My job is to love her and also un-damage her and assist her heal. The other selection is come walk away and suggest to she to walk to counseling or therapy. We room all damaged in some way and hurt people hurt people. We were designed to it is in in relationship and we can't operation every time things don't fit us. That also is selfish. If love is really what that is intend to be then words choose patience, perserverance, and also endurance end up being vitally important. At the same time a person deserve to only take it so much abuse and they have to leave the relationship to conserve themselves if the hanger top is hell bent on destruction. If you are astute enough to discover the factor behind she hurt and also pain and you love her enough then your function is to placed on her armor and also go to battle on instead of of the woman you love. You need to draw clear boundaries and you must lovingly interact your intention and your fight plan. You have to tell below that you space going to defend her emotions v all her strength and all your might and stand through her against the demons that the past. This is the duty of a warrior. This is what real guys do when they love someone. In my opinion any man that cannot carry out this is no worth marrying anyway. He will certainly wander in search of the perfect woman the does no exist and every time the gets tough he will leave. Friend won't have the ability to count on him. However, I will in the very same breath to speak there are some females that can be for this reason emotionally hurt that therapy and counseling room required prior to they deserve to have a healthy and balanced relationship. You just need to be smart enough to recognize them and stay away.I'm in love with my small hanger upper and also understand what's behind the behavior. Deep down is a frightened, scared tiny girl crying in pains believing, hoping and praying that there is a male worth loving that won't to walk away, the won't abuse or take advantage in selfish ways. I'm here to aid her heal, to command the way to recognize that she behavior and responses space coming indigenous a ar long ago and together we have the right to overcome if you enable me in nearby enough and you are willing enough to attain total vulnerability and accessibility with a sincere heart and also full honesty. This is what guys do as soon as they recognize their character is in ~ stake. Yet a man has actually a breaking point and if the battle gets to extreme by all means save yourself and also walk away. Yet real men are no afraid that a an excellent fight and if you yes, really love she then prepare because that battle and with faith and love fight tough for her and also fight to win.