Commencement and also Graduation

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Text of will certainly Ferrell"s speech list of class Day speakers Ali G (2003) Seth MacFarlane (2006) bill Clinton (2007) ","source":"

Text of will Ferrell"s speech perform of class Day speaker Ali G (2003) Seth MacFarlane (2006) bill Clinton (2007)

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June 4, 2003, Harvard, Boston, USA

This is no the Worcester, Mass boat Show, is it? i am sorry. I have actually made a disastrous mistake. Ever because I left “Saturday Night Live,” I mostly do public speak now. And also I must have made an error in the little Palm Pilot. Boy. Don’t worry. I got it ~ above me. I got the speech on me. Let’s see. Ah, yes. Here we go.

You know, once Bill Gates very first called me to speak to you today, ns was honored. However when he wanted me to be one of the Roxbury guys, ns — Sorry, it is Microsoft. Ns sorry around that. Star Trek Convention. No. NRA. NAACP. Dow Chemical. No. Yet that is a great one. That is a an excellent speech. The college of Michigan Law. Johns Hopkins clinical School. Ns sorry. Room you sure this is not the boat show? No, I have actually it. Ns do have actually it on me. I do. The here. Give thanks to you.

Ladies and also Gentlemen, identified Faculty, Administrators, Friends and Family and, the course, the graduating course of 2003, ns wish come say hello and thank you because that bestowing this honor upon me as your class Day speaker. After months of an enig negotiations, numerous hundred secret ballots, and a weekend retreat v Vice President dick Cheney in his mystery mountain bunker, a course Day speaker was chosen, and also it to be me. You obviously have actually made a tomb error. However it’s too late now. For this reason let’s simply go with it.

Today’s speech is going to it is in a little different, a little unorthodox. Some of you may discover it to it is in shocking. I’m not going to stand up below and shot to be funny. Because even though ns am a skilled comedian that the highest possible caliber, I’ve decided to do one thing that a lot of people are more than likely afraid come do, and also that’s give it come you straight.

As most of friend are more than likely aware, i didn’t graduate from Harvard. In fact, ns never even got a call back from Admissions. Cursed you, Harvard! damn you! ns told myself I would not obtain emotional today. But damn it, i’m here, and also sometimes the just great to cry.

I’m not among you. Okay? i can’t called to who you are and what you’ve been through. I graduated from the university of Life. Every right? I received a level from the school of tough Knocks. And also our colors were black and also blue, baby. I had office hours with the Dean that Bloody Noses. All right? I obtained my course notes indigenous Professor Knuckle Sandwich and his teaching Assistant, Ms. Fat Lip Thon Nyun. It is the kind of school I saw for real, okay?

So my gift to you, class of 2003, is to tell you about the real people through mine eyes, v my experiences. And I’m sorry, yet I refuse to sugarcoat it. I ain’t gonna do it. And I most likely shouldn’t use words “ain’t” throughout this work in which we celebrate education. Yet that’s just the means I beat it, Homes.

Graduates, if you will certainly indulge me for a moment, permit me paint a picture of what it’s choose out there. The last four or, for few of you, 5 years you’ve been living in a fantasyland, to run around, talking about Hemingway, or Clancy, or, i don’t know, i mean everything you read here at Harvard. The Novelization the the Matrix, i don’t know. Ns don’t know what you do here.

But ns do recognize this. You’re about to enter into a people filled v hypocrisy and doublespeak, a civilization in which your limo to the plane is frequently a half-hour late. In enhancement to not also being a limo at all; regularly times the a Lincoln Towncar. You’re around to enter a people where you ask your brand-new assistant, Jamie, to lug you a tall, non-fat latte. And he comes earlier with a brief soy cappuccino. Assumption: v what, Jamie? she fired. No too hard to obtain right, mine friend.

A civilization where your acting coach, Bob Leslie-Duncan — yes, the Bob Leslie-Duncan — tells you time and also time again the you will certainly never, ever before be thought about as a dramatic actor because you don’t play points real, and are also over the top. Amazing! simply amazing!

I’m sorry, graduates. However this is a world where girlfriend aren’t permitted to use your cell phone in airplanes, during live theater, at the movies, in ~ funerals, or even throughout your very own elective surgery. Apparently, the Berlin wall surface went earlier up since we now live in Russia. I typical just shot lighting increase a cigar in a movie theatre or paying because that a dinner for 20 friends with an autograph. It ain’t that easy. Solid words, i know. Tough talk. But much more like challenging love. Since this is wherein my belief in you guys comes right into play, Harvard University’s graduating course of 2003, there is no a doubt, the finest, most talented team of sex-related beings this great land has to offer.

Now I know I blew several of your minds through my depiction of what that really prefer out there. Yet if anyone deserve to handle the ups and downs of this stunner blue marble we call Planet Earth, it’s friend guys. As I rigid out into this vast sea of glowing faces, I see the best and also brightest. Some of you will be captains of industry and also business. Rather of you will certainly go top top to an excellent careers in medicine, law and also public service. 4 of girlfriend — and I’m no at liberty to say which four — will certainly go ~ above to splendid careers in the porno industry. I’m no trying to it is in funny. That’s simply a statistical fact.

One of you, particularly John Lee, will spend many of her time simply hanging out in your vehicle eating nachos. You will certainly all come ago from time to time come this beautiful campus because that reunions, and ask the question, “Does anyone ever before know what happened to john Lee?” At the point, he will invariably pop out from the bushes and also yell, “Nachos anyone?!” at first, it will scare the crap out of you. However then you will do it share a laugh with your classmates and ultimately look front to man jumping out of the bushes as a yearly event.

I’d favor to adjust gears here, if ns could. Talk a little bit about “Saturday Night Live.” Now, during my 18-year stint on the show, I had the opportunity to play or impersonate some very interesting people, none more interesting than our present President, Mr. George W. Bush. Currently in some cases, you in reality have contact with some of the civilization you play. Together a byproduct of this previous situation, the President and also myself have end up being quite good friends. In fact, I might even speak to him a father number of sorts, granted a dim-witted father number who likes to take it a the majority of naps and start wars, but a father number nonetheless.

When i told the President the I’d it is in speaking right here today, he wonder if I would express part sentiments to you. And also I said I’d execute my best. So, if you nothing mind, I’d favor to read this message from the president of the unified States.

Students, Faculty, Families and Distinguished Guests, I just want to take time come congratulate girlfriend on her outstanding accomplishment as graduates that the course of 2002. The an excellent thing around being the course of 2002 is that you can constantly remember what year girlfriend graduated because 2002 is a palindrome which, the course, is a word or number that is the same check out backwards or forwards. I’ll bet you’re surprised I know that word, however I do. For this reason you can suck on it.

Make no mistake, Harvard University is among the best in the land. And also its graduates are that fine as well. She young men and also women who exuberance exude a i was sure confidence of a i delivered era. I think it to be Shakespeare who said it finest when that said, “Look yonder into the darkness for knowledge onto which ns say go onto the which she possess right into thy night for thee have actually come with just a solitary sword and vanquished thee into darkness.”

I’m going come be ethical with you, I just made that up. However I don’t know how to delete the from the computer. Tomorrow’s graduation day speak is previous President that Mexico Ernesto Zedillo. Ernie’s a an excellent man, a deeply religious man, and also one the the original members that the Latino young band Menudo. For this reason listen as much as Ernie. He to be at the beginning of the entirety boy band explosion.

As you set off into the world, nothing be afraid to concern your leaders. However don’t asking too many questions at once or that are too hard due to the fact that your leaders get exhausted and/or cranky. All of you sit here have the brightest the futures ahead. Plenty of of you will go top top to mainly careers and various pursuits. And also four of you — and also I’m no at liberty come say which four — will go on to star in the porno industry.

One the the difficulties you will certainly be challenged with is finding a project in our depressed economy. In fact, the chances of landing a decent task are around as good as finding tools of mass damage in the Iraqi desert. Slim and none. And Slim just left the building. In fact, the closest thing I uncovered to looking choose a weapon of mass damage is the turd that prick Cheney left in the Oval Office toilet about an hour ago. Man, that point is a WMD if I’ve ever before seen one. On the note, God bless and happy graduation.

You know, ns sincerely hope you gain this following chapter of your life due to the fact that it’s really going to be great, as long as friend pay her taxes. And don’t simply take a year off since you think Uncle Sam is snoozing in ~ the wheel because he will certainly descend top top you choose a hawk from hell. Let’s simply put that this way. ~ some previous indiscretions v the IRS, my take-home pay last year to be $9,000.

I figured I’d leave you this particular day with a song, if friend will. So, Jeff, if you can come increase here. Jeff Heck, everyone. Please welcome one of your other graduates. Jeff is, the course, native Eliot House. You understand what you guys? You guys at Eliot House, give yourselves a nice round of applause because you had actually the head lice fear this year, and it shut you under for many of last semester. However you no mind the tents they collection up for you, and you were simply troopers. You yes, really were.

Anyway, this is a song that ns think really catches the significance of the Harvard experience. The goes a tiny like this.

I close my eyes, only for a moment, and also the moment’s gone,All my dreams, pass before my eyes, a curiosity.Dust in the wind, all they are is dust in the wind.Same old song, simply a autumn of water in an unlimited sea,All we do, crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see.Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind.

Okay, you recognize what? I’m just realizing the this is a devastating graduation song. Once again, ns sorry. This is the an initial time I’ve in reality listened to the lyrics. Man, the a downer. The bleak.

Boy, I want to finish this. Just give me a minute, and let me number out how to solve this thing. Okay. Ns think I got it.

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Now don’t hang on, nothing large forever however the Harvard alumni treasure fund.It adds up, has actually performed in ~ 22 percent development over the last 6 years.Dust in the wind, you’re so much much more than dust in the wind.Dust in the wind, you’re shiny small very smart pieces of dust in the wind.